Navigating New Relationships at Work and Home

A useful lens is the Parent, Adult and Child model from Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne. It suggests that we can show up in conversations from three different emotional states.

• The 'Parent' state can be nurturing and supportive, but it can also become critical, controlling, or judgemental.
• The 'Child' state can be reactive, defensive, fearful, or rebellious.
• The 'Adult' state is the grounded place we want to return to: calm, clear, curious, and able to respond to what is actually happening, rather than reacting from old emotions or assumptions.

When relationships feel unsettled, it is easy to slip into a wounded Child response, such as sulking, blaming, withdrawing, or feeling rejected. It is also easy to move into a Critical Parent response, where we lecture, accuse, or try to control the other person. Neither position helps people feel safe or heard.

The aim is to emotionally show up as the Adult: pause before reacting, notice what has been triggered, separate facts from feelings, and communicate what you need with respect.

"I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'd like to suggest a different approach that may work better for me but I'd also like to explore what would work for you," rather than, "You never help me."

Showing up as the Adult does not mean suppressing emotion. It means owning your emotion without making the other person responsible for it. It creates space for honest conversation, shared responsibility, and problem-solving. In both work and home relationships, this is what helps people move out of conflict and back into collaboration.

Understanding change management principles like this can help you navigate these periods with emotional control and assurance. They empower you to look at the situation objectively and have constructive conversations that help resolve things.

Firstly, let's look at why turbulence is normal in a 'new' relationship.

Tuckman's team forming model, first published by psychologist Bruce W. Tuckman in 1965, explains that people and groups often move through stages as they learn to work together:

Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing and Adjourning.

• In the 'Forming' stage, people are polite, cautious, and finding their place. Initial expectations are set, and people are exploring their roles and responsibilities.
• As the initial weeks progress, these expectations start to be tested. If some things aren't working or aren't clear, 'Storming' can bring tension, uncertainty, or conflict as different expectations surface.
• At this point, it is important for the individuals to sit down, discuss and review initial expectations, agree new ways of working, and understand each other's strengths.
• With a revised approach in place, the group starts 'Norming'. Trust builds, a new rhythm is established, and things start working better.
• This creates the conditions for 'Performing', where the relationship or team becomes more confident, productive, and resilient. People may reach a point of innovating, introducing new ideas, and overperforming in their role.
• Adjourning is the stage where a team, relationship, or chapter comes to a natural close. It creates space to reflect on what has been learned, acknowledge what has changed, and move forward with clarity.

The model is a useful reminder that early discomfort does not mean something is wrong. It is often a natural part of building stronger connections.

The Tuckman model really resonated with me when we introduced children to our family. Everything changed in terms of how our life operated, and suddenly we had no new roadmap. We had to try new ways of working and operating as a couple and a team, then refine them over time.

There are other tools that are important to share because they support relationship building, which is often where conflict can arise.

The first is communication styles. People have different ways of learning and absorbing information. If we communicate something in a way that doesn't work for someone, they may forget it, misunderstand it, or fail to act on it.

The VARK model, developed by Neil Fleming in 1987, describes four common learning preferences: Visual, Aural, Read/Write, and Kinesthetic.

• Visual learners may prefer diagrams, charts, and images.
• Aural learners may take in information best through discussion and listening.
• Read/Write learners often prefer written notes, lists, and instructions.
• Kinesthetic learners tend to learn through practical examples, movement, and hands-on experience.

The VARK model is useful because it reminds us that people do not always absorb information in the same way. If we want to reduce misunderstanding, we may need to communicate important expectations in more than one format: saying it out loud, writing it down, showing an example, and checking that it has been understood.

The second tool is defining expectations, preferably through discussion and then in writing, both at home and at work. Posting them somewhere visible helps make sure they are not forgotten, in line with VARK.

At work, it's best practice for people to have job specs and performance frameworks that clearly articulate what they are meant to be doing day to day and what success looks like. Without this, people can feel unsettled.

At home, it can be the same. I often hear women moaning about what their partner does or doesn't do, and I can only think it's essential that we have a list at home too, to avoid this conflict and frustration.

I was on a date with a guy and he talked about the pink list and blue list of household chores, and I thought, "This is my man!" Let's divide and conquer so everyone is happy.

The third tool to reflect on is value alignment, and I'll talk more about this later in another chapter. It's essential that values are aligned if you want to have a constructive conversation.

Do you both want to achieve the same goal?

If values aren't aligned, then it may be a reason to walk away.

Sometimes relationships don't work, and that's okay.

If both people can look at this chapter, understand how they can think about things differently, and work towards a resolution, then you have a great foundation to move forward.

If someone continues to operate in a childlike state, doesn't want to think or communicate differently, and isn't open to constructive ideas or ways of tackling the relationship, then it can be difficult to find a resolution.

A change in the relationship and closure might be necessary.

A healthy relationship is one where both people can reflect on the above considerations and act with positive intentions to find a way through to a happier place.